you traded sex for a burrito?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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