We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
