so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
