Michael Bay diarrhea
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Operation Purity has been aborted
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
