the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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