I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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