so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
