How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
