her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
operation harelip BJ is a go
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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