the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize