Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize