I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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