watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
