i need an iv and a liver transplant
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
