She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
