Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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