oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize