That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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