I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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