Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
