Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
