Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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