I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
