I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
