I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
