Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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