i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
