You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
