I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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