if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
