u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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