You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
