I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
