Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
