So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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