The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
