Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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