pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
