What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
