why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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