he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i've created a new STD.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
