I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
