Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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