Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
