You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
