Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
