my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize