He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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