i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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