dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
