i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize