she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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