i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You pole danced in your parka.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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