saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
