If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
