just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
