doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
