Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
