I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
