I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
