I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
