Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
